A Collection of Unhealthy Thoughts
by Hystericfangirl137
Summary: A collection of short drabbles about a few of the Soul Eater cast. To be interpretated as you wish. ;Review, and don't be nice if you don't want!
1. Chapter 1

_**What Soul Thinks**_

Speaking hypothetically, what would Soul think if Black Star had the hots for his best friend and partner?

Well, he'd think a lot of things.

He'd mull over the best ways to kill someone with their own bladder.

He'd wonder if Black Star's tongue would stretch all the way to his eyes and then his brain. Then all the way back through his nostrils and then maybe someone down below further that would most _definitely_ leave a bad taste in the ninja's mouth.

He'd think that Maka wearing that short, short skirt wasn't so hot anymore and force her into shorts if he had too (which, now that he was thinking about it, wasn't that bad a deal).

He carefully mused the many lovely ways on how to kill a certain blunette.

And then Maka walked into the room.

"Oi, Soul, on that date with Kid. Blair's chaperoning. Be back in an hour."

Then he thought of all the wonderfully beautiful and asymmetrically deadly and blunt or sharp objects in which to pierce and bruise and quite frankly beat down every pore in that bastard arrogant-assed rich boy down to the Shinigami-be-damned nucleolus in his skin cells.

* * *

What Black Star thinks

"Soul. You need to get Maka away from that date."

"I know."

"Blair's chaperoning, dude."

"I know."

"This could go both ways."

"... Threesome?"

"Dude, if they're going to go at it, I want in-"

"Quit being a dumbass, Black Star."

"Whatever. Anyway, we could either end up with Death the Kid JR. in about ten months-"

"Oh my God."

"-or Kid'll get shot into Mars by a pumpkin, should Blair, like, be like that."

"... Sabotage."

"Sabotage."

* * *

What Sid thinks

"I'll kill you, I'll freakin' _kill you!_"

"C'mon, Maka, say it like a man!"

The blonde meister glared at Sid. He blinked. He then let out an "ohh" when he remembered Maka was a full-on feminist.

"C'mon, Maka, say it like a woman!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"LIKE A WOMAAAAAAN!"

"I'LL FUCCCCKIIIING KILLLL YOOOOOUUU!"

"THAT'S RIIIIGHT!"

"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!"

When Soul walked in on Maka stamping on a garden snake mercilessly while their blue zombie-dude teacher applauded and praised her...

he just.

Sort of.

Walked out.

It seemed like the best thing to do.

* * *

What Maka thinks

"I. Like. I reaaaally want'cha."

"Drunkass."

The white haired man – barely legal, what was he doing at a bar on his twenty-first birthday? - glanced to the left. A woman – who looked barely fourteen, how'd she get in here? - was giving him a rather sultry glare.

She slurred something about taking "an extra dose of sexy, seckerdyyyy" and tried, _tried,_ to lean on her elbow, maybe attempting to look attractive.

She was doing fine with a modest-but-not-too-much outfit and the sweet legs, but really, the pure alcohol poisoning on her breath and the fact she couldn't lean on her elbow much less sit on a chair like a normal, half-sober human being was bringing down the seven rating to a four.

"Lady, I'm not interested."

"But _I _am_._"

"And you really think you'll get what you want, huh?" he allowed himself to give her a seductive – sadistic – smirk.

"I alwaysss doooo, hehehe."

He cocked his head in a challenging manner. Did this girl really think she was sexy enough to get _him_? Please.

She uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, showing off the little cleavage she had. Soul's eyes trailed down and he indulged himself in the sight.

So. Stranger lady was seductive, funny, and arrogant. She could match him in a battle of drunken wits, and good god, those legs!

"Always doooo, huh? Heheh."

Later that night, he had a lot of fun.

The next morning...

not so much.

Especially when the chick _apparently _was not that into him anymore after she got a hangover, called her best friend, cried, and smacked him a couple of times.

With a freakin' _book._

… What did he like about this chick again?

* * *

What Romeo – er – Rome-IDIOT thinks

"Hey, chick from Titanic. Get'cher ass off the balcony."

"NOOOOO!"

"A _C_ won't kill you."

"YES IT WILLLL!"

"RAPUNZEL, GET THE FUCK OFFA THAT TOWER BEFORE I DRAG YOU OFF OF IT!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M DEAD! I GOT A DAMN _C_! A _C_! A _C_ A _C_ A _C _A _C_ A _CCCCCCCCC_!"

"STUPID BEAUTY, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS OFF MYSELF IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"FUCK OFF, YOU CRAPPY BLUE-HAIRED ROME-IDIOT!"

* * *

What the blood thinks

He'd always loved how Maka spun him around like some sort of water whip. Her hands moved so fluently across his shaft while he sliced Pre-Kishins in bloody halves. Not a drop of red touched her.

He'd always loved how in a battle she jumped in with reckless determination that _this is one step closer_ to whatever she wanted. She was a stubborn and determined and stupid girl and that showed in her fighting.

He'd always loved how she jumped around, twirled him, whirled herself, did a ballet dance almost crossing over the fragile line between life and death constantly but she was _too good_ for that, too graceful, like a swan.

He'd also always loved how often she held him, just like that.

Really, he'd forever love the way Maka fought. She fought with all her heart, threw away her brain and she finally had a chance to just _let loose_ and go crazy and dance around like a maniac while releasing any pent-up PMS on someone other than him. She didn't taunt, she just sliced – she was a very pointed girl – and was quick and graceful with her work.

He didn't like that part. It went too fast.

One second they were swimming in a sea of blood, slicing and dicing some poor sucker's ass while everything was free and flowing and they were allowed to just be the sadistic, bloodthirsty sociopaths they were.

And then another and they were thrown back into the depths of normality, work and her father and his past and crazy gods and manic teachers that all went a bit too far for him too deal.

So Soul's always loved the way Maka has fought.

The other parts would take a little while though.

For now he'll just relish in the blood lust.

* * *

What the cat thinks

She didn't care for this figthing.

All she and her little cat tail and ears wanted was a little peace, a little milk, and a hentai doujin.

Really too much to ask?

Soul and Maka think so.

So they fight constantly. Just to spite her. She knows behind the glares of their fiery blood and olive eyes they really love each other and they just yell and hit each other just to annoy her. She wants a cat nap. They want a war. It's impossible to live with those two! How can they stand it!

… Oh, yeah, because they're devious, evil little brat monsters with bubbly eyeballs and melting skin that are boiling up neon pink concoctions in their little witch and warlock cauldrons to cook her and her sanity in.

Well, boo.

She couldn't let that happen, now could she?

"YOU LITTLE ALBINO BASTARD, YOU THREW AWAY MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SOCKS!"

"YOU BITCHY LITTLE TINY-TITS'D BITCH, YOU PAINTED PINK ALL OVER MY WAR BAND!"

War was right. This has gone on far too long!

"I'LL- I'LL KILL YOU!"

"I'M THE ONE WITH THE SCYTHE ARM!"

"Excuse me, but I'm the oldest one hear, no?" Blair interrupted.

She was answered with two malicious glares.

"Well, then, I have the answer."

"Nnnn," they replied, their anger rather overflowing and too much to even try to speak normally.

"Pump~ Pump~ Pumpkiiiin~"

"OH SHIT-!"

"Halloween Hormonessss~"

The two teenagers stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Maka got two lumps on her chest.

Soul's pants got a bulge.

They were at each other like wolves on a fat kid.

Blair purred contently and went back to her doujin.

Funny, Soul's pants were being ripped off the same time as doujin Soul's.

* * *

What the doctor thinks

Hey doc Stein, you know you're really cool, right?

Dissecting people. Yeah. Really fun.

Let's cut V-shaped

V-shaped

look inside and tear the inside and search the inside and grab the inside and rip the inside and kill the inside.

It'll be fun, won't it?

C'mon, c'mon, I bet it'll be fun.

Why don't you pick up that cigarette. Why don't you break that screw right off your damn head.

Why not pick up that blonde chick that you work with.

You know the one.

How about you search inside her for all the secrets she held.

You'll know her secrets. I'll know her secrets. It'll be a fun time. Dissecting. Yeah.

Dissecting.

Yeah.

Fun.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Well. How fun. Interpret what you want, and please review!

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEEEEEWWW 8DDDDD**

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	2. Chapter 2

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What the gunk thinks

The... flower. Vase.

It was off.

It. Was. _Off._

Obviously this was some sort of malicious and cruel mirage his evil Great-Old-Infested subconscious was trying to force upon him, trying to release all that which he locked upon several thousands of locks.

Obviously, this Great-Old-Infestation underestimated him. He, Death the Kid, son of the great Shinigami, was not going to be played with by a manifestation of black _goop_ that had settled in his insanity.

Kid glared at the vase, nothing more. This was a plot by a pile of gunk to try and throw him off his game, the game in which he constantly had to fight his instinctive abilities. The instinctive hunger for everything to be perfect, absolutely perfect, nothing wrong, precise and _Shinigami be damned perfect._

He glared again, more fiercely this time in an attempt to fix the two pixels off dirt set in the orange pot.

Now that he was focusing on the pot too, there was a shadow of a crack in it and orange didn't belong in his house.

His hand twitched. In a second the criminal pot and plant duo could be blasted into smithereens which would then be sent into the hell of oblivion for the murder of his precious sanity.

But alas, he was stronger than that. A pile of black gunk is not going to ruin his day, he was going to stay calm, not go on a hissy fit, no no, that would be childish and-

_oh, fuck me._

The next second the plant was nonexistent.

And was half the wall.

He blew a hole in the other half just to be orderly.

Then he wondered if there really even was a pot of madness in oblivion or his subconscious gunk was toying with him again.

The son of Shinigami looked carefully at the holes in the walls.

"... Dear, Father, help me."

* * *

What the Shinigami thinks

It was all his city. All his world. He loved it. Relished it. After his father had unfortunately passed away a thousand or so years ago, it had all been given to him. To _him_. He was king, he was _God_.

Nothing could stop him. He was going to recreate this world perfectly, and then he would-

"WAAAAH! HE'S BIG AND SCARY! MOMMY, I HATE HIM!"

… The child's crying stopped him. It made him sad. He wanted his world to be perfect. Perfect was happy. The child had to be happy.

"O- Oh! I- I'm not scary! I- I just want everyone to be ha- happ-p-p-"

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" the child cried more.

And more.

And more.

And suddenly Shinigami-sama's dream of perfection collapsed as he childishly cried with the child.

"HAAAAAPPPYYYYYYY!"

"SCAAAARRRRYYYYYY!"

… Leave the world order crap to his son when he got one.

Shinigami-sama would enjoy the world as it was.

… After he stopped crying.

"HAAA- AAAAA- AAP- P- P- PYYYYYY- YYYY!"

* * *

**What the snakes think**

"Let me see your hand."

"Nnn. Why?"

"Just give me your hand."

"In marriage?"

"Don't make me make it a threat, woman."

"Heheh. Still touchy, Soul?"

"I'm only here 'cause you've brainwashed me."

"And I hid away your girlfriend. Now, here's my damn hand. What did you want?"

Soul blankly stared at the woman's black fingernails. There was a perfect symmetrical yellow arrow on each – Kid should be here, not him, he'd love it – and he pondered what he would do.

Then the enchantress said 'girlfriend'. Maka was not his girlfriend.

Hot chick to look at, sure. Otherwise, not so much.

But for some reason it still pissed him off enough that Medusa trapped his partner to get himself captured.

He _bit_ her finger.

"Sweet Jesus!" Medusa slapped him before glaring at him like a monster.

The snakes in his system suddenly flared up again.

"M- m- ma- a- ar- k- king you. M- m-… Mine."

The witch smirked before slapping her manservant again.

* * *

**What the girl with the girly underwear thinks**

Older men were hot. There was no doubt about it. So when Soul finally revealed he had an older brother (she'd been pestering him about his family for_ years_) she almost jumped for joy. She'd imagined a more mature Soul, with eyes not covered in dark circles in bruises (Pre-Kishins were mean) and snow white hair that didn't look like it just went through a blender. She also imagined a more developed man, with hot muscles and hot pants and hot stuff in his -

Good lord there was something wrong with her. She was thinking about Soul's older brother like he was some sort of high class whore and she was the top dog pimp on the prowl and-

Good lord she hated her similes.

"So, Maka, this is Wes."

He was exactly how she imagined him.

And he wasn't wearing a shirt, for some apparent reason that must've been an inside joke between the two brothers.

And there was no guilty scar, either.

When the green-eyed girl's nose suddenly erupted in blood and she fell back on to the floor and started screaming and flailing her limbs in embarrassment, Wes stared at her funny.

"You didn't tell me she was flat."

"I thought I did."

"You also didn't tell me when she kicked her legs around like that, you could see her panties full well."

"Huh, she usually wears white. They've got hearts on 'em."

"Oh, yes."

Said heart-pantied girl stopped flailing on the floor. Let go of her nose. Just stared at the two boys relishing in her state of weakness.

"You didn't tell me she was scary enough to make you pee your pants.

"Also didn't tell you she carried around books bigger than your head.

"Thanks. No_, really_, Soul."

"Welcome, Wes."

"ALLLL OF YOU MEEEEEENN!"

* * *

**What the word that rhymes with 'stove' thinks**

"It's _mauve _as in rhymes with _stove_."

"It's spelled M-A-U-V-E. It's _mauve_ as in rhymes with _suave_."

Meister glared at weapon and weapon glared right back. Blood and olive eyes flashed with anger and stubbornness.

This was his turf.

This was her turf.

Okay, so it was their turf.

A new song had come out – Mauve-iro no Sympathy – and they both loved it. They even sang it sometimes, dueting like the singers; they were _drunk_ on this song. Soul loved the music, Maka loved the singing. Best of both worlds.

Maka got Soul into being okay with the _color_ mauve because of it.

Soul got Maka into obsessing over heavy metal bands because of it.

But now it was war. The word mauve either sounded like it looked (what Soul saw) or it sounded like it rhymed with grove, stove, and loathe (what Maka _'knew'_).

The last one was a little off, but it fit the situation.

"_Mauve_ as in _sounds like stove_."

"_Mauve_ as in _sounds like lahve_."

"That isn't a word."

"Well, it sounds like a word!"

"It sounds how my retarded aunt – papa's side – says 'love'."

Blood red eyes twitched slightly before closing their vision to her olive orbs.

"It. Sounds. Like. Suave."

Maka opened her mouth to retort but closed it again immediately. She was not going to spend this day arguing with some white haired _idiot_.

"I'll convince you that it sounds like freakin' _stove_."

"Oh, really? And how would miss Tiny Tits do tha-"

He couldn't finish his 'that' before a certain pigtailed girl had tackled him onto the couch and had started_ ravishing _him. Soul didn't even have time to register _what_ before Maka's hands were trailing up and down his sides, teasing him and her tongue had forced itself upon his, clashing and exploring his mouth with seductive vigor.

And then when Soul finally processed that this girl seemed like she was ready to _fuck his brains out_, she had finished. She lifted herself off of him, unwrinkled her shirt, and walked to the sink to spit any cooties out of her mouth.

"It's _mauve_ as in _stove_, alright?"

"Only if you do that again."

* * *

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I love writing pervy Maka. BD And pervy Evans boys. I might try that again sometime. Please tell me if I've made anyone too _out of character. D:_

Aaaand

**Death08kill;** I love KidxMaka! Too cute. 3 And I hope you like what I wrote.

**Ubyrai;** You're so nice. You reviewed two of my stories. D; _/hug_

_As always, **PLEASE REVIEW! I WOULD LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER. I FANGIRL SQUEAL EVERY TIME I GET A REVIEW.**_

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